My daughter...

Dr.Jass

Dr.Jass

Pastor of Muppets
I was at my Mom's place on Saturday, detailing her car. She came out to watch, and we got into quite a conversation. Eventually, the subject turned to my daughter Elaine, from whom I'm estranged and haven't seen in many years though I love her dearly.

I've posted pics of her here, but I really don't know the young lady that she is anymore. Too much time has passed. Mom still sees her, and still talks to Tyrannosaurus Ex... Laura's way of continually stabbing me in the back, 16 years after our divorce. The ex told Mom they were going to FL for spring break, and I said, "That's gotta be a dream for a 17-year-old girl!" Actually, most of it was so she could check out a college in St. Augustine. For pre-med.

Apparently ever since she nearly died due to a misdiagnosis at the local hospital, Elaine has wanted to become a doctor. A better doctor than the ones that nearly killed her when she was 5. Mom tells me that's all she's wanted for many years. She's near, if not at, the top of her class. She has the grades and more importantly, the determination. According to Mom, her grades are good enough that she may go full-ride all the way through medical school... and she's not taking easy courses in high school. There is no doubt she's going to do this.

I wish I could tell her how proud I am. My only child will be Dr. Elaine... but she'll always be "Laney Lizard-breath" to me. I miss that little girl every day.
 
Sad story but it does not stop you being proud of her.

Maybe one day she will come around and want to know who you are and come back to find you.
 
I can't imagine what you've gone through Doc. 2 of mine are in nj with their mother, and though I do get to talk to them anytime I want, I miss them dearly.

I have many not-so-nice words for their mother, to whom they are mearly tax write off 1 & 2.
They spend 5 nights a week at my mom's house, because their mother is such a load she refuses to take them to their soccer games.


I pray for both of your sakes that she does make an attempt to look you up and develop a relationship.
 
I've started a reply a few times already. Words just aren't working for me.

I think the most important piece of information in this is the fact that you care. You can't be proud if you don't care.
 
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Ever since the conversation we had years ago, regarding this delimma, I've often wondered if anything had improved. It's saddening to hear that the exes attitude hasn't eased. One positive possibilty of getting away from her mother may open the door for you to start communication with your daughter. :helpme:
 
An old country song comes to mind, "His burdens are greater than mine"
Time is on your side, but it is slower than the wheels of justice.
 
I don't give up hope, but she's been so poisoned against me her whole life I don't know that she'll ever come around.

A doctor. Damn. She didn't get that intellect from her mother, that I can guarantee you. :D
 
I've got two similar scenarios in my life that have worked out - mostly.
One I am completely comfortable with as it is best for those closer to me, and me. Further, everyone involved has had the chance to develop their own opinion on the matter and have all come to the same conclusion.

The other involves some poisoning of the hearts and minds of kids and denying access, and it sucks. We do know though that the kids have figured it out and know where the problem is. They're just too young to do anything about it.

This is the stuff that I was trying to put into words earlier and it ended up being a small novel about me instead of supportive commentary.
So, I guess I share the information in hopes that it provides a little glimmer of hope for your situation.
Given the opportunity, kids can figure it out. When they get older, they create their own opportunities.
 
Once again I wish I knew what to say. All I can do is tell you what you already know, I'm here for you when ever, as always.
 
Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. I'm not bitching or having a pity party... the point of this thread was that I'm very proud of what I created for once in my life regardless of whether I'm part of it anymore.

Not bad for a tryst the Corinthian-leather passenger seat of a '77 Cordoba, really. :D
 
Funny how often mothers poison the minds of kids during and after divorces. Seems to be them much more than the fathers, though some of them do it. My mother tried that somewhat, not nearly to the extent your ex did. It bit her on the ass in the end.
 
v8440 said:
It bit her on the ass in the end.
Click to expand...

I've seen that happen many-a-times, it's almost inevitable. Every kid, at some time or another, will resent and even feel that they hate one parent or the other. And it's very rare that blood doesn't reunite them.
 
Well, I've said it previously: I've never made a disparaging comment about T-Ex in front of my daughter, nor have I allowed any of my family or friends to do so. Hopefully, that will count for something at some point.
 
With age comes wisdom, at some point she will realize the source of all the negativity. If all the badmouthing about you only comes from one source, she just may say one day, "I want to find out for my self"
 
v8440 said:
It bit her on the ass in the end.
Click to expand...

It usually does, that parent that bashes the other usually ends up getting the short end of the stick.

Dr.Jass said:
Well, I've said it previously: I've never made a disparaging comment about T-Ex in front of my daughter, nor have I allowed any of my family or friends to do so. Hopefully, that will count for something at some point.
Click to expand...

That's great, I don't know how you held back. Sorry Doc, don't mean to hijack

Luckily for me my kids are older and see with their own eyes what goes on, on both sides of the family. Last summer she had Will my 12 year old for a TOTAL of 6 days all last summer. I'll have all 3 all summer this year. Will is the only one from my ex that lives with me at least for now, is quiet, and watches everything his mother says and does, and he reports back to me. The only thing I ask is what do you think about that, then I just listen...

Kristen my oldest isn't biologically mine, I raised her since she was 2 months old, her mother was pissed at me so she told her when she 9 that "Bill is NOT your DADDY!!!"
What kind of mind F is that? Luckily she's old enough to see and she's constantly starting fights with her mother now and telling her "let me go live with my dad" (me) at least he's a real parent and other such remarks. I tell her to ease up, but she tells me and I quote "she deserves it, it's not like she cares"
 
I can sorta relate to this. I have a half brother from my fathers first marriage that I have never met. I'm not even sure he knows I exist. Dads first ex-wifes mother hated my dad and convinced Cathy to divorce my dad by poising her mind. Well one day my dad came home early from lunch and found her in bed with his "best friend" Joe. Last time my father saw his oldest son, he was 8 years old. As far as we know, he probably thinks Joe is his real father. I've found my older half-brother but have not contacted him. I have all his info. I just don't know what to say.

In your case Jass, I hope one day she decides she wants to make contact with you and get some things figured out for herself. You have one thing on your side. She knows you exist. ;)
 
I had all the info on my biological mother at one point... how the hell do you do anything with that? "Hey, remember that kid you gave up for adoption 23 years ago? Yeah, it's me!" I got flopped into a lake in 1998 and everything in my wallet, including that, got destroyed except my credit cards, license and money. I miss those pictures of Elaine but I'm actually kind of relieved sometimes that the note with that info was beyond saving.
 
Kinda how I feel about my half brother. I have his info still but, what would it change?! I'm 34. He's 42. He is blood but it doesn't seem worth it to me. Like I said before, your daughter knows you exist. Hopefully one day she will decide to see if the stories are true that she got from her mother and decide to look you up. I hope she does Doc. You're a good guy to know. :) :beer:
 
I don't know that it would change anything, yet it might be the greatest thing you've ever done. I still wonder about my biological parents, to be honest... knowing more about them (though I know a lot already) might fill in some holes for me. I don't know nor can I say I ever will, but I would be a liar to say I'm not at least curious. Realistically, I think the only thing that stops me is the fear of breaking Mom's heart.

I've always known I was adopted, before I even knew what it meant. For years, my attitude was, "You didn't want me... screw you." As I got older, I realized that 1970 was a much-different era and I know more about my biological mother's circumstances. I've often told people I'm luckier than they are, because I had four parents that wanted to do right by me. It was a pretty-dramatic shift in attitude, but after seeing friends whose home lives absolutely sucked with the parents that spawned them, it became pretty evident how lucky I've been in that department. Mom and Dad were the most wonderful parents a kid could've ever hoped to have.
 
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