Dr.Jass
Pastor of Muppets
These are supposed maintenance complaints and their solutions from the aircraft industry. Depending on where you hear 'em, these are from RAF, USAF, Qantas, or other air-fleet maintenance crew. Some of 'em are probably made up, but I'm betting a lot are true.
Sounds like responses I'd have given on a lot of these.
Sounds like responses I'd have given on a lot of these.
- Complaint: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Complaint: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Complaint: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Complaint: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Complaint: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.
Complaint: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Complaint: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Complaint: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Complaint: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they’re for.
Complaint: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Complaint: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Complaint: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Complaint: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.
Complaint: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution: Congratulations! You just made your first coordinated turn!
Complaint: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Complaint: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution: Wound clock.
Complaint: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Complaint: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
Complaint: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Complaint: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like midget with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget in #2 engine.
Complaint: Whining noise coming from #2 engine.
Solution: Returned hammer to midget in #2 engine.
Complaint: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Solution: Ground checks OK.
Complaint: 3 roaches in cabin.
Solution: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Complaint: Weather radar went ape!
Solution: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Complaint: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
Complaint: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Complaint: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.
