Bring on the jokes...
- Thread starter 68isgr8
- Start date
So what's the latest?
68R/T
I got drunk and swallowed my teeth, now
When I grew up one of the neighbor girls was too poor to have her "own" toys. :toot: :shifty:
v8440
Well-known member
I can't remember where I saw this, so it may have been here...
A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist gets ready to anesthesize him, but the guy says "no no, I'm horrified of needles." So the dentist gets out the gas mask to hit him with the nitrous, but the guy's terrified of that too. "Too much like suffocating" he says. So the dentist asks him if he's afraid of taking pills. "Not at all" says the guy. Upon hearing that, the dentist hands him a viagra. "Viagra will take the pain away?" the guy asks. The dentist said "No, but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist gets ready to anesthesize him, but the guy says "no no, I'm horrified of needles." So the dentist gets out the gas mask to hit him with the nitrous, but the guy's terrified of that too. "Too much like suffocating" he says. So the dentist asks him if he's afraid of taking pills. "Not at all" says the guy. Upon hearing that, the dentist hands him a viagra. "Viagra will take the pain away?" the guy asks. The dentist said "No, but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
I often wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger and BIGGER?"....
.... and then it hits me.
.... and then it hits me.
I once had a little trouble "performing" with a girl. Let's just say I arrived early.
She said, "Don't worry. That happens to a lot of other guys."
I said, "Well! There's two things wrong with THAT! First: Who are all these other guys you know so much about. And, second, if it's happening so often, have you considered that perhaps YOU'RE the problem?!"
She said, "Don't worry. That happens to a lot of other guys."
I said, "Well! There's two things wrong with THAT! First: Who are all these other guys you know so much about. And, second, if it's happening so often, have you considered that perhaps YOU'RE the problem?!"
beeper*71
This space for rent
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked
up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to
the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went
"bang, bang, bang", and the
beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked
up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to
the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went
"bang, bang, bang", and the
beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
ORVIL
Well-known member
- I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
- It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
- I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
- I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
- I went to the doctor because I'd accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. My, doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
BootHead
Well-known member
Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.”
The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”
The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”
Oldie, but it still makes me laugh:
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and............... coke”
The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?”
The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”
The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?”
The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
those are pretty good....thanks for the laughs
J.C. Corbett
or something.....
Know what hillbillies do on Halloween? Pump kin.:shifty:
What do cooked spinach and.....never mind. I'd better stop there.
What do cooked spinach and.....never mind. I'd better stop there.
