Dr.Jass
Pastor of Muppets
What's the first thing a redneck girl says after losing her virginity?
"Git offa me, Daddy... yer crushin' mah cigarettes!"
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What's the first thing a redneck boy says after losing his virginity?
"Daddy... will mah butt always hurt like this?"
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How do they separate the men from the boys in Appalachia?
With a crowbar.
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Why do redneck weddings start with half-full garbage cans?
It helps keep the flies off the bride.
How do you tell which one's the bride?
She's the one with French-braided armpit hair.
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Why do redneck men hate corduroy pants?
Obviously you've never tried to sneak up on a sheep. Velcro pants are preferred... the sheep can't get away.
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Redneck foreplay: "Don't tell Mama!" or "Daddy done showed me this."
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Great thing about redneck weddings: They only have to invite one family.
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Redneck virgin: An ugly third-grader (calm down... she's 17).
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Jethro and Tommi Sue were engaged to be married. Much to his dismay, on their wedding day, Tommi Sue was nowhere to be found. Jethro sadly went back to his trailer to find a note from Tommi Sue saying she'd run away to Atlanta with some feller named Clarence.
In a rage, Jethro told his Mama and Uncle Pappy he was going to go find his woman and give Clarence a little what-fer. He hopped in his Nova and spun out of the driveway, injuring several of the hounds on the porch with gravel.
A few hours later, Jethro reappeared at home looking rather dejected. His Uncle Pappy asked him what happened.
"Ah gots most the way tuh Atlanta, and Ah was drahvin' undah this bridge, and there was a sign what said 'Clarence 14 feet 3 inches' and I dun knowed Ah was licked."
Two days later, while sitting at the tavern, Jethro is introduced to a feller the name of Clarence! "You the Clarence what stole my Tommi Sue?!" he bellered.
"Ah is," come the reply.
"Where the hell is she?!"
"Ah done kilt her."
"But... but... she was to be mah wife! What the hell you gone and done that fer?!"
"She was a dang ol' virgin! Ah figgered she weren't good enough fer her own family, she weren't good enough fer mine."
"Gotcha."
"Git offa me, Daddy... yer crushin' mah cigarettes!"
__________________
What's the first thing a redneck boy says after losing his virginity?
"Daddy... will mah butt always hurt like this?"
__________________
How do they separate the men from the boys in Appalachia?
With a crowbar.
__________________
Why do redneck weddings start with half-full garbage cans?
It helps keep the flies off the bride.
How do you tell which one's the bride?
She's the one with French-braided armpit hair.
__________________
Why do redneck men hate corduroy pants?
Obviously you've never tried to sneak up on a sheep. Velcro pants are preferred... the sheep can't get away.
__________________
Redneck foreplay: "Don't tell Mama!" or "Daddy done showed me this."
__________________
Great thing about redneck weddings: They only have to invite one family.
__________________
Redneck virgin: An ugly third-grader (calm down... she's 17).
__________________
Jethro and Tommi Sue were engaged to be married. Much to his dismay, on their wedding day, Tommi Sue was nowhere to be found. Jethro sadly went back to his trailer to find a note from Tommi Sue saying she'd run away to Atlanta with some feller named Clarence.
In a rage, Jethro told his Mama and Uncle Pappy he was going to go find his woman and give Clarence a little what-fer. He hopped in his Nova and spun out of the driveway, injuring several of the hounds on the porch with gravel.
A few hours later, Jethro reappeared at home looking rather dejected. His Uncle Pappy asked him what happened.
"Ah gots most the way tuh Atlanta, and Ah was drahvin' undah this bridge, and there was a sign what said 'Clarence 14 feet 3 inches' and I dun knowed Ah was licked."
Two days later, while sitting at the tavern, Jethro is introduced to a feller the name of Clarence! "You the Clarence what stole my Tommi Sue?!" he bellered.
"Ah is," come the reply.
"Where the hell is she?!"
"Ah done kilt her."
"But... but... she was to be mah wife! What the hell you gone and done that fer?!"
"She was a dang ol' virgin! Ah figgered she weren't good enough fer her own family, she weren't good enough fer mine."
"Gotcha."
